Ghost In Red

—    

My heart sank, hearing the person who used to be so optimistic about almost everything say she wanted to die.    

Is she giving up? That’s new. I know she lost her hope for me to live, but it shouldn’t be a reason why she would lose hope for her life. There’s so much to keep living for, and she still has so much to accomplish in her life.    

“Hey, don’t say that, Syd. Everything will be okay.” I told my girl as I knelt before her so I could clearly see her face.    

Sydney lightly shook her head and sobbed, “No. It’s… I just… I can’t. Everything is not okay. I wasn’t okay, and I know… I won’t be okay.”    

I pursed my lips, trying not to cry as it was my first time seeing this tough person cry and about to break down.    

“Hey, look at me. You’re a brave girl. You’re smart. You’re amazing. You will be okay. We talked about this already.” I assured her as I brought my right hand to her cheeks to cheer her up. She closed her eyes, and I deeply know that her tears were falling from them.    

Then Syd opened her eyes and looked straight into mine, and I saw something familiar from the way she stared at me–contempt.    

“That’s so easy for you to say because you are the one who’s leaving.” She asserted and looked away from me, and I didn’t know what to say. It’s true. I’m the one who’s leaving her behind, but… I don’t know.    

I didn’t say anything, and I stood up to sit beside her on her left. I let out a sad sigh and thought of anything I could do or say to give back all the positivity she poured on me during those times I was all down and miserable.    

Silence filled the atmosphere, and only the vehicles on the part of the highway I hated the most were making sounds and movements.    

What should I tell her? I’m not good at giving advice, especially to someone I used to know who was so tough when she experienced the most challenging part of one’s life—losing people you love. Should I throw her words back to her? I certainly don’t know.    

“It’s not that easy for me. You know what? It’s so damn hard to pretend that I am alright, especially around you. I just don’t understand why life is so unfair. I’m so sorry… I’m not as brave as you thought, OJ. I’m not….” She confessed, and I quickly put her in my embrace. I know it’s wistful that this kind of moment comes to everyone, and it’s unjust when some people suffer it multiple times at a young age. And it breaks my heart to see Sydney so vulnerable.    

“No. I understand, Syd. It’s okay to cry. It’s always okay to cry. Go on. Lash it all out on me. I’ll be here for you.” I shushed her while rubbing her back to calm her down, and she hugged me tighter as she kept crying.    

I wish I would be with you throughout your life so I could be your shoulder to cry on whenever you feel like breaking down.    

—    

When I noticed Sydney felt better, I broke off from the hug to look her in the eyes.    

“Come with me,” I told her, and her lips formed a small smile.    

“Where? In the afterlife?” She asked and chuckled, and when I realized what she said, I exclaimed, “Silly, no! Stop saying that kind of BS, will you?” And I rolled my eyes at her.    

“Now, you know what that bullsh*t mindset feels like, yeah?” She replied while smirking and stood up from the bench, and I followed while my mouth dropped in bafflement. She did not just laugh it out in my face.    

“What? Shut up, and just follow me.” I retorted and walked ahead of her on the sidewalk, feeling pretty upset.    

“Oh, come on, OJ! Don’t you want this one-of-a-kind love story of ours to be something like Romeo And Juliet’s? One dies, and the other follows. That would be pretty fantastic. What do you think?” She said like it’s something fascinating, but it totally is not, never will.    

“I don’t know if you are being sarcastic or funny, but it’s not funny, Roswell. When did someone’s life become a joke to you? Let alone yours, huh? Where is the Sydney I used to know who never gives up on everything? You were a fighter.” I blurted out as I stopped in my tracks and turned around to look at her in the face. She’s acting so weird, and I’m worried about her.    

“Just recently. I feel like… everything is just… bullsh*t.” She answered, and it was not what I expected to hear from her.    

“Mmm. I understand. You are experiencing—” I tried to let out what was in my mind, but she didn’t let me finish.    

“You will never understand, Hunters.” She grimly said and showed me a sad smile, and she continued walking, leaving me behind in my deep thoughts.    

I may not know what it feels like to lose someone so dear to me, but I only want her not to lose hope. Eventually, it feels like I did lose someone I loved, right? My mom left me, and I never heard anything from her, even now. And the thing is… I did move on. I accepted the fact that I may never see her again. I was mad, and it didn’t take me long to stop yearning for her when she left me.    

Then something popped up in my mind, and it may be a quite stupid idea, and this fussy Sydney may not like it, but I will tell her about it. It may help our messy situation.    

I walked faster to catch up with my depressed grieving girlfriend, and I grabbed her right hand with my left one and intertwined our fingers. She didn’t protest, and we walked on the sidewalk while holding hands.    

I waited for a moment before I decided to tell her my thoughts finally. I’ll take a shot at this.    

“Syd, I got an idea.” I began, and she told me to continue.    

“We both know that I can’t make it, but you can. And I want to suggest something that you could do to deal with my… you know… my department… death… so that it would be easier.” I explained while stuttering because I felt nervous to see her reaction.    

She didn’t say anything, and I cleared my throat while organizing my thoughts.    

“Why don’t you… think that… I am… Well, when I die, think of it as I… I broke up with you. Yeah! And I… you will never want to see me again, and I… Because I… moved to another… Overseas. I’m going abroad… to be away from you. I will break your heart, and you will hate me. It’s the end of Sydian. What do you say?” I explained like sh*t, and I sheepishly smiled when she stopped walking. And then she slowly turned her head to look at me with her eyebrows meeting each other in turmoil.    

Oops, I’ll be damned.